Therapy for Connection Concerns
Your relationships feel draining and unsupportive. You’re jumping through hoops just to get some connection while others aren’t making an effort. Maybe you’ve been trying to form friendships but it just hasn’t been working. Persistent loneliness is a common theme for your nights and you wonder how anyone meets others nowadays. And don’t even get me started about the dating scene.
Through my years of experience as a therapist, the number one common concern that comes up in sessions is relationships. They are a very important, and very complex, aspect of our lives.
There is such a wide range of types of connection and relationships that I couldn’t possibly focus on all of them. So I encourage you to read on and see if these concerns below resonate with you.
Balancing Your Wants and Needs
You may have trouble expressing your wants and needs in a relationship. Relationships are about balance, a give and take. It may not always be 50/50, but it is important to feel supported and understood. It can be difficult expressing your wants and needs, especially if you have tried in the past and had them not be taken seriously or just completely ignored.
Types of Concerns
People Pleasing
People Pleasing is putting other people’s needs and feelings above your own. You prioritize being liked and avoid conflict which may have your own needs going unmet. You worry about others secretly not liking you which can cause intense anxiety.
Managing Energy Levels
Sometimes it’s exhausting being “open and honest” if you’re not used to expressing your needs. Anxiety can make it even harder, sapping your energy just to manage those symptoms. Going out and searching for relationships can be tiring, especially if the successes feel few and far inbetween. Even in the personal relationships you have now, sometimes you just need that alone time to recharge.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. They’re like a guide. This is how I want to be treated. But setting them up can be difficult. You may worry that if you set boundaries, people will be mad with you. A common thought may be, “I have to be useful for people to like me,” which can get in the way of maintaining your boundaries.
Fostering Connections
It seems like when you try to form friendships or relationships, they never lead anywhere. They either fizzle out or remain superficial when all you want is a deep, lasting connection. You may have given up hope of finding these relationships or feel apathetic overall.
Reassurance Seeking
The idea that someone may not like you is very distressing. You worry about what people think of you pretty regularly and may even ask those you are close with for reassurance. You may have gotten negative reactions from others due to the amount of times you ask for reassurance.
Types of Concerns
People Pleasing
People Pleasing is putting other people’s needs and feelings above your own. You prioritize being liked and avoid conflict which may have your own needs going unmet. You worry about others secretly not liking you which can cause intense anxiety.
Balancing You Wants and Needs
You may have trouble expressing your wants and needs in a relationship. Relationships are about balance, a give and take. It may not always be 50/50, but it is important to feel supported and understood. It can be difficult expressing your wants and needs, especially if you have tried in the past and had them not be taken seriously or just completely ignored.
Managing Energy Levels
Sometimes it’s exhausting being “open and honest” if you’re not used to expressing your needs. Anxiety can make it even harder, sapping your energy just to manage those symptoms. Going out and searching for relationships can be tiring, especially if the successes feel few and far inbetween. Even in the personal relationships you have now, sometimes you just need that alone time to recharge.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
Boundaries are an important part of any relationship. They’re like a guide. This is how I want to be treated. But setting them up can be difficult. You may worry that if you set boundaries, people will be mad with you. A common thought may be, “I have to be useful for people to like me,” which can get in the way of maintaining your boundaries.
Fostering Connections
It seems like when you try to form friendships or relationships, they never lead anywhere. They either fizzle out or remain superficial when all you want is a deep, lasting connection. You may have given up hope of finding these relationships or feel apathetic overall.
Reassurance Seeking
The idea that someone may not like you is very distressing. You worry about what people think of you pretty regularly and may even ask those you are close with for reassurance. You may have gotten negative reactions from others due to the amount of times you ask for reassurance.
For LGBTQ+ Individuals:
If you’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community, you may face some specific social and connection challenges compared to a straight, cis individual.
The dating scene can look vastly different. You may struggle finding LGBTQ+ friendships if you’re not interested in the typical avenues such as bar scenes or sport leagues. Safety is an important consideration when searching for connection from others. If you’ve come out later in life, it can be difficult to feel included within the community if you’re just starting out navigating these types of relationships.
Fostering community and support can be an important aspect of an LGBTQ+ individual’s life and overall well-being. I provide a space where you can explore and work through the challenges of LGBTQ+ dating, friendships, and overall community building in a non-judgmental environment.
ACT
ACT’s (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) goal is to help you separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings. You are going to have uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but we don’t have to give them power. Through separating yourself from the thoughts and emotions, accepting them for what they are, grounding yourself in the present, and focusing on your values, you will be able to decide how you want to react rather than letting your emotions and thoughts make that decision for you.
My Treatment Approaches
Managing Uncomfortable Feelings
We want to be understood. We want to feel safe within our relationships and community. Connection concerns are so powerful because they have an evolutionary basis. We as humans thrived once we began to work together in groups. Our fears and worries are real and they are trying to protect us from exclusion, from being alone.
But sometimes how we respond to these fears and worries are not the most helpful in the long term. When we begin to change the ways we act, uncomfortable feelings can become even more intense. That’s why I focus on accepting and managing these feelings while we work towards creating the life and connection you want.
Attachment-Based Therapy
When we are children, we develop specific connections with our primary caregivers. That connection can influence how we handle adult relationships in the future. Attachment-based Therapy looks at the relationships you had while you were younger and how they may influence you now. Attachment styles can shift over time and even differ between your relationships. Understanding how you relate to others and engage in relationships can help us change unhelpful patterns and form closer connections.
CBT
CBT (Cognitive-Behavior Therapy) looks at how our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect. We’ll look at your thoughts and explore how they may be affecting how you express yourself and how you form close relationships. We’ll also focus on trying new ways of connecting with others to see how the outcomes might differ.
Existential Therapy
Life can be messy. Existential Therapy looks at what it means to be human. It explores the control we have over our decisions as well as how we deal with feeling disconnected from others. We explore what is important to us and find ways to make sure we incorporate these values into our actions and purpose.
Social Skills Training/Role-plays
Socializing is a beast of its own. There are so many unspoken rules of connecting (which even change from culture to culture) and it can feel difficult to understand what to do and what not to do. Having a space where you can practice these skills and receive immediate, non-judgmental feedback can help you develop and hone them.
My Treatment Approaches
Managing Uncomfortable Feelings
We want to be understood. We want to feel safe within our relationships and community. Connection concerns are so powerful because they have an evolutionary basis. We as humans thrived once we began to work together in groups. Our fears and worries are real and they are trying to protect us from exclusion, from being alone.
But sometimes how we respond to these fears and worries are not the most helpful in the long term. When we begin to change the ways we act, uncomfortable feelings can become even more intense. That’s why I focus on accepting and managing these feelings while we work towards creating the life and connection you want.
ACT
ACT’s (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) goal is to help you separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings. You are going to have uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but we don’t have to give them power. Through separating yourself from the thoughts and emotions, accepting them for what they are, grounding yourself in the present, and focusing on your values, you will be able to decide how you want to react rather than letting your emotions and thoughts make that decision for you.
Attachment-Based Therapy
When we are children, we develop specific connections with our primary caregivers. That connection can influence how we handle adult relationships in the future. Attachment-based Therapy looks at the relationships you had while you were younger and how they may influence you now. Attachment styles can shift over time and even differ between your relationships. Understanding how you relate to others and engage in relationships can help us change unhelpful patterns and form closer connections.
CBT
CBT (Cognitive-Behavior Therapy) looks at how our thoughts, feelings, and actions all connect. We’ll look at your thoughts and explore how they may be affecting how you express yourself and how you form close relationships. We’ll also focus on trying new ways of connecting with others to see how the outcomes might differ.
Existential Therapy
Life can be messy. Existential Therapy looks at what it means to be human. It explores the control we have over our decisions as well as how we deal with feeling disconnected from others. We explore what is important to us and find ways to make sure we incorporate these values into our actions and purpose.
Social Skills Training/Role-plays
Socializing is a beast of its own. There are so many unspoken rules of connecting (which even change from culture to culture) and it can feel difficult to understand what to do and what not to do. Having a space where you can practice these skills and receive immediate, non-judgmental feedback can help you develop and hone them.
You Can Have Fulfilling Relationships
Relationships can be difficult. There is no one-size-fits-all method for forming them and once you’re in them, maintenance can feel like a challenge at times.
But you don’t have to live your life alone or in unsatisfying relationships forever.
You can learn how to foster those connections that are important to you. You can better express yourself and find those relationships that are fulfilling and long-lasting. You can be supporting and also be supported.