Relationships are supposed to solve loneliness, right? You’d think being around others should alleviate that feeling, but I think we’ve all experienced feeling lonely around others. It’s especially hard when those others are our friends and partners.
Even after the isolation and restrictions of COVID, we’ve continued to become an increasingly socially isolated society here in the US. (APA 2025). With people feeling even more divided and lonely now, those close relationships have become more important for our connection.
It’s normal to get lonely occasionally. It’s a natural emotion we all have. But when that loneliness starts to feel consistent, or it’s starting to show up in our relationships, it can start to take a toll. So how come being around others doesn’t “fix” loneliness.
Social Isolation vs Emotional Loneliness
First, we have to talk about two different types of loneliness:
You’re sitting in your apartment watching a show or playing some video games. Your phone isn’t buzzing and the last time you went outside was a few days ago. The only person you’ve seen is yourself in the mirror.
This is Social Isolation. In the past, researchers would look at the number of friends or close relationships you have, or the amount you interacted with others to measure loneliness.
Usually it’s quantifiable. We can count how many times you interact with someone. Typically this is what people think about when talking about loneliness. The amount of people you can turn to. Of course social isolation can exacerbate loneliness, but what happens when you do have friends or relationships, yet still feel lonely?
You head out to the bar with a couple of friends. People talk in their little groups as you stand on the outskirts, watching. Sometimes it’s pleasant being on the outskirts. Watching the flow of people and their conversations. The chatting, laughing, and shifting between groups. Your friends invite you into a discussion yet you still feel disconnected. The loneliness starts creeping in as you look around at the other groups of people happily chatting. You look at your friends and still feel a bit like a stranger to them.
You come home from work and your partner is lounging on the couch. Your day was stressful and your manager has been annoying the hell out of you lately. You hope to get a little support from your partner, but as you begin expressing your frustration and stress, they give a quick “That sucks”, before quickly shifting the conversation to their own day and experiences. You politely listen and help them through their stress.
These are small moments of Emotional Loneliness. A feeling of lack of attunement or emotional connection with someone. It’s more about feeling heard, feeling understood rather than just being with others.
These are normal situations many of us have experienced. Sometimes we’re just on different pages with people. But if these experiences become constant, we can start to feel that persistent loneliness even when we’re around those we care about.
Reasons You May Feel Lonely in Friendships and Relationships
You’re usually the listener – It’s a great skill to have and one that people really appreciate. But if you keep getting placed in the “listener” role without opportunities to express yourself, it can make a relationship or friendship feel one-sided. You may start to question if the other person really cares about you.
You’ve been burned in the past – Another common experience. You may have opened up to someone close to you before, whether it be friends, family, or partners, and they did not respond nicely. Maybe they belittled your feelings, dismissed them, or even outright ignored them. You’ve learned to keep the more vulnerable and sensitive information about yourself private.
You have trouble understanding or knowing what you’re feeling or thinking – It’s difficult to translate our inner experience (our thoughts and feelings) into words. You may have difficulty expressing these things to others when it’s hard to even understand them yourself. This can make it harder for others to feel close to you, to know you.
You’ve learned early that your feelings and thoughts were “too much” or “not important” – When you were younger, you may have picked up cues from others that your experience isn’t important. Rather than happening all at once, you notice repeated patterns of people not listening to you. A dismissed response, being ignored, or even having them outright tell you that you’re too much. This could have happened while younger or you may have found yourself in a new friendship or relationship with subtle cues that reinforce this. You start to think your thoughts and feelings are not important to anyone.
Anxiety – Bit of a catch all here for anxiety symptoms, but anxiety and worry can make it difficult to interact with others, to express yourself, to be present in the moment rather than “in your head.”
What Can Help?
Emotional risk taking – You got to give a little before you get a little. We can get caught in a negative cycle of safety and comfort. Especially if you’ve been burned before, you’ll probably have your guards up. Instead of bearing it all, you can focus on little steps. You start slowly with expressing yourself and begin building that trust back. Whether it’s trusting other people to understand and accept you, or even trusting yourself that if it does go wrong, you will be okay.
Therapy as a corrective experience – Therapy is a relationship. And through my experience as a therapist and a therapy client, being vulnerable with your therapist can still be a hard thing to do. Think of it as a controlled practice ground. You can practice being vulnerable and get immediate feedback. You’re in a calm environment, where even if physical sensations and emotions begin to rise, you have a space where you can be with someone to work through them in real-time.
Practicing naming internal states – What better way to express yourself than to get to know yourself better? Practicing specifying your own emotions and thoughts helps you better understand yourself, your values, and your reactions. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you’re feeling and what’s bothering you, which gives you more language for others to understand you better, thus, building connection.
Emotional Loneliness doesn’t happen all at once.
It isn’t something that you either have or don’t. We all experience emotional loneliness at times to varying degrees. But when it’s something you feel pretty consistently, it can take a drastic toll on your well-being.
*Sappiness incoming*
There are ways to lessen it. You can build open and honest connections. You can be yourself around others. You can find people you love and people who love you. I believe everyone is capable of love and connection. Through therapy, you can work through whatever obstacles and barriers get in the way of connecting. And you can start building a more connected, fulfilling life.